Laying the past to rest
by PT21
Summary: Tony was having trouble letting go of one woman so that he could love the woman in his arms in the way that she fully deserved.


Laying the past to rest

by Caz

Rated M

Disclaimer in force so leave me be!

"Ghosts." Ziva said. Just one word, but I knew exactly what she meant. My eyes flickered open, guiltily meeting hers. Her kiss had been so gentle, so tender and I'd tried so hard to put everything I'd felt into it, but she'd known. The memory of another's kiss was getting in the way and spoiling it for the both of us. It was all so unfair.

"You just can't forget her, can you?" she asked me, sadly. I could only shake my head. How could I lie to Ziva? Of all people, she was the last person I could lie to. I felt the guilty tears begin to spill down my cheeks and suddenly as Ziva pulled me back into her arms even more memories came flooding back to torment me; to torment both of us.

"I can't forget her, Ziva. Jeanne was everything I wanted and more besides. I know she has to go; she has to, for you, and for us. I have to let her go. I have to give us our freedom."

I saw the hurt in her beautiful dark eyes and I felt it in my soul too. But even so, I knew that she understood. I'd never kept my feelings for my first true love away from her, and even if I'd wanted to, I could never have done that. Jeanne was a part of me, as much as Ziva is now a part of me. They both loved me, and I, God help me, I love them both.

But it wasn't until a long time after Jeanne had left for a life without us, that I truly realised just how much Ziva felt about me, even though she'd never said a word and never told me how much seeing Jeanne control my heart had hurt her in such a way that she didn't think she could have bared it for much longer.

The silly thing is, is that if Ziva had made one remark; given me clue before that she wanted to further our relationship, I would have done, in a heartbeat.

I guess I was stupid to think that I could go from Jeanne to Ziva after she'd gone. Even though they'd been completely different from each other, there had been so many minor differences; so many things that Jeanne had said and done and Ziva frequently imitated them, simply because she was a woman, and I soaked them up. I clung onto a memory when I should have been looking at the present.

I liked the way Ziva kissed me; with an aggression that always left me aching for more. Jeanne had kissed me with her heart and soul which always left me feeling cherished and satiated. When Ziva made love to me, I usually found myself screaming for mercy. Jeanne had always loved me until tears of happiness were streaming down my face.

When I was with Ziva, I found myself wondering when she was going to say goodbye. Jeanne had always made me feel like I was home and that she was home with me and with no intentions of going anywhere.

So why do I crave the woman that seems only half of the woman before me?

I felt Ziva's finger tip lift my chin high enough so that she could see my eyes. I watched her face slowly lower to mine and I heard her whisper my name, felt her warm lips touch my trembling ones, so determined, so forceful. So Ziva like. But I wanted a Jeanne kiss. I'd always want a Jeanne kiss.

But why?

I guess it's because I can't have them. Because I miss her so much and it makes my heart break thinking about what might have been, simply because Ziva isn't like her at all, not really, and I wish she was. God, I wished she was.

"I'm not Jeanne, Tony, I never will be and I know how much you want me to be like her." I choked with her words and it broke my heart to do that to her, but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't erase Jeanne from my mind and I didn't seem to want to, and that's what hurt Ziva most of all.

But she was wrong, I didn't want to actually 'be' with Jeanne, I wanted to be with Ziva and I had to make her see that. "No, Ziva, that's not true." I said, honestly. "I love you. I love you so much I think I would go crazy if you weren't here with me."

"If I wasn't here, Tony, someone else would be, and she would be going through the same thing that I am." She stated, just as honestly. And there it was, in a nutshell. The truest words ever spoke, and the cruellest words ever spoken, too, because she was wrong. If she wasn't here, it would be someone like Jeanne in my arms and not Ziva.

But the thought of not being with Ziva hurt so much, much more than not being with Jeanne now. The realisation stunned Ziva as much as me as I told her so, and I found myself pulled hard against her body as it sunk in just what was at stake, and just what we could both lose.

Us.

We could lose _us._

I didn't have time to yelp as I suddenly felt Ziva's hand thread through my hair, clasping it roughly to yank back my head. I whimpered first with pain and then with shock as she fastened her mouth onto mine and her forced her tongue inside. I felt her mound against my hardening loins as she held me fast and I had no choice but to hang on and accept the brutal kiss that she was intent on giving me.

But it wasn't long before my lack of choice became a desperate want. I wanted her kiss. I wanted my body to feel violated by a woman who loved me beyond distraction. I wanted more and Ziva gave it to me, willingly, urgently and desperately. When she momentarily broke away and we gasped for air she searched my eyes and begged with her heart. "Give me a chance, Tony, that's all I ask." And I gave it to her when I pulled her lips back to mine and we fell to the carpet together.

I barely knew when she'd torn away my clothes along with her own until I felt her around me. But not like Ziva would have done before, with deliberate skilled slowness. As she pushed her way onto me and I swallowed the shocked gasp that left my lungs, I felt her. I heard her. I heard her moan my name. And then I heard her utter words that I had never heard fall from her lips when she'd made love to me before, words that only a woman completely taken over by her heart and soul could reveal. Words that I'd never heard any other use in quite the same way.

But how did she know?

Of course she knew. She was Ziva, just as Ziva was not Jeanne. They were created from the same mould, a woman, a woman with the same thoughts and the same needs. Only Ziva had held herself back so that she wouldn't hurt me. In reality, though, it was what I had needed; that short, sharp reminder that we were alive and Jeanne was not a part of my life anymore. Jeanne was long gone.

All it needed was for Ziva to remind me I was with a woman that was insanely in love with me, Tony, and that I was not with someone who was stuck in the past with a ghost. I needed bringing to the now and the now meant the woman that was loving me with her whole heart, body and soul, plus a few explicit words to remind me just who was above me.

And that woman was Ziva David.

And only Ziva David.


End file.
